Who I am.

insight fortyfour rain trickles down the blotched white roof of the conservatory and the loud taps echo through my left ear. music blasting through a single headphone in the other, that specific scent rolls through my open window and surrounds me as I dangle my bare legs over the frame. the sheer sound and tranquillity that comes from 3 am rain calms my faded soul and clears my mind of everything cluttered. clouds float over the trees as I wait in anticipation for the sunrise, phone balanced on lap listening to music. danger strikes through me as my mind flickers to the untimely death of the ifs and buts in the event of falling however I relax myself by staring out the blurry glass, simply watching the water droplets race to the bottom. at times like these i thank my sleep problems for keeping me up at the lonely hours, for helping my eyes strain at a laptop screen to type these very words whilst everyone else is taken away to the land of steady breathing and ...

insight fortythree it's just a like, just a double tap on a pretty girl. if that's all it is, why do I care so much? why do I tear out my mind and flash back to the time you brushed my hair in the mirror, smiling when I blushed? why do I see us sitting laughing in the conservatory, you clinging to my arm in a side on hug? why do I feel a pinch of pain when I pass you in the corridor and you act like I'm just another stranger? why do I smile when you laugh or smile, when your name pops up on my phone just for "streaks"? why do I feel like i do e why do i even try to make conversation and be nice when I know you hate my existence? well, I guess I don't blame you. I can't delete the photos. I can't erase the memories. I can't fade the love inside of me that makes me sob silently in bed over someone who probably never liked me. I can't not love that smile, or that laugh. I can't miss you in the crowd because I can always recogn...

insight fortytwo i laugh loudly with dead set eyes, thinking about something of the opposite emotion in which i seem. smiling at the boy i drift from, the walks out the room just like we never spoke like we did, like we may have done for more than the time before you cut yourself from me. the silence never came yet i felt so alone, holding your arm down the crowded corridor, im guessing my anxious flare got the better of me without you noticing. he sits in front of my table, tilting his head around whilst smiling, knowing i was looking at that gorgeous grin i hadn't seen in over a week. i was doing so well at not loving you, now look what a mess you've made. since the start of last period, no work had been done and constant giggles were exchanged over some lovers we have deep in our thoughts, yours amazingly perfect and mine sinking me slowly like a broken boat. maybe being at home may cheer me up, music blasting or a Netflix show in bed making me feel comfortable, safe and t...

insight fortyone perfection noun  - the state or quality of being perfect.  - a person or thing considered to be perfect. sun gleaming down on the cool forest leaves, i walk fast paced down the grass empty path, music blaring through my headphones to block out the cars, to block out everything. looking upon to the painted peeled pub i start towards to busy road that leaves my hair blowing the way they race, pausing my music as the chorus starts to sing "It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars in our hearts. We're not broken just bent, and...". evening dawning i kick the gravel below my denim converse shoes and head towards my silent haven, my quiet get away from all the noisy arguments and texts from a lost lover, my way of getting rid of everything. easing my music volume, i greet the open water with a deep breath of fresh air and a smile, not a human nor dog in sight, just the vast amount of geese that sit on the soft water gliding to the beat...

insight forty i hurt i ache all over. my limbs weary and dehydrated from the tears i cried in that empty yard behind the tall church, the horses staring in confusion. i spoke to you like you were there, telling you the recent events on school and the stress from exams. just like you were stood there in your skirt, knee high socks and pink pigtails. as if you were still breathing right in front of me. i tried to convince myself you are in heaven, a place in the clouds with your dad which sounds like a perfect fantasy. but i know you're just in a box underground, slowly decomposing in the sweet soil, bare bones from your small body left behind. the flashes of that reality hurt my eyes, make them blurry with the sadness. but still i talk, about the breaking of my relationship and the arguments between friends. i apologized again for everything i did wrong and told you about your dear friends state, the slow down fall of her emotions making me feel numb inside, making me want to ma...

insight thirtynine Dear my love, i hope you're not too warm up there, maybe wear sun cream in case you burn your pale skin. i have been thinking of you, a lot recently. i sit next to you in geography, can you imagine us pair every lesson... sir would go mad?! i chewed on some chewing gum today, mint flavoured and i remember how you used to sneeze each time you smelt mint, a cute high pitched sneeze every time. school has change, time goes on but i guess everyone has changed. we have welcomed a new member to our friend group, i hope you laugh with us. she's a phan member so im sure you can make an exception. our friend, our squish, has been struggling a lot, her anxiety is through the roof and i just want to roll her up in bubble wrap so she's safe forever. don't blame yourself, she is missing you as are we all. it's surprising how things can change in 17 weeks and 14 days, 133 days. i have lost the love of my life over my stupid mental health, you could've l...

insight thirtyeight break ups. they suck, they really really suck. for most people its the stereotypical few days crying into four tubs of cookie dough ice cream then getting drunk and making out with some dude who you have forgotten the name of. for me, its not the same. yes i have done the sitting in the shower with the water on my back whilst crying thing, that happened. but the rest of the time has been different. i sat in my room and cried to hours straight over nothing but our converstaion on snapchat, a few printed photos i removed from my wall and some sad songs from a playlist. as much as drank i let out, and when you say you knew it would hurt me, i don't know how you could expect it not to. i have spent my time preparing for this, yet i wasn't prepared for myself, the way i am, or the way i might become. I've disconnected from people, and when i laugh i just go back to my normal numb mood within seconds. the happiness, the emotion of happiness has been ripped ...