Who I am.

Insight eighty-nine Sociology brought the question - do you believe in god? and i have the answer. no. i do not. and there, of course, it a story. i used to believe in a being, no necessarily a god but a larger someone who has some say about what happens in the world. i used to pray or talk to the skies and ask for help, talk or anything to help me in times i felt i had no one. that one day i prayed, for her to be okay, i wished and prayed with the tears down my face and emotions cracking in my voice. i prayed for her life and her health. they weren’t answered, ignored and forgotten and left me and so many in a wreck. since i haven’t believed that that being could have let such a perfect young girl be taken like that. they do not exist and i do not believe. from the future  I hear the sadness in this post and I aim not to intervene with previous writing. However I am conscious of how this definitive answer may be interpreted. My relationship with faith has never been stron...

insight eightyeight the issue - a poem its not me, you or the rest nor is it school, work or no sleep its not the threats to hit, break my outsides and in. its not the push for independence or everyday 'sort yourself out' s the anger in your eyes, though you say its your fault, like he did its certainly not the father problems or mother ones alike, or the names, self-centred worries that clearly are just about you its never the whispers behind closed doors, screams with slammed doors, not the one-off comments or the pain in my chest, my head from you... its just me. the issue is me.

insight eightyseven (I’m going to talk to you about something that happened to me, nothing dramatic or news worthy, but something that happened that has stuck in my mind every single day.) Valentine’s Day – 14th Feb. 2019 Eyeshadow. Mascara. Lip gloss. Powder. I put on my make up, and stare into the dirty mirror, observing the faded imperfections covered by layers of concealer, trying to fill in the cracks of the broken self. Deep breathes of encouragement and a flicker of a smile, I start to change into the dress I meticulously chose from hours of searching for the perfect outfit to impress my boyfriend. Finishing up with my simple jewellery, I twist my hair through my fingers and think of all the multitudes of things I could do to style it. I decide to try to curl, just light waves that could drop onto my shoulders in an attempt to look pretty. I start off okay, one curl this way, one curl that way, a few tugs but it looks alright. Time flies and it gets worse and worse, burns...

insight eightysix  Side note – i went to a zoo workshop to learn about phobias, specifically animal based ones. We were shown different ways of treating them, including hypnosis. You are my happy place. Arms outstretched, cold fingertips touching mine as you draw me into the light, stepping down the marble stairs one at a time; hypnosis and relaxation sending me to oblivion and seeing you there, my happy place as he called it. With closed eyes, I imagine your blonde fringe and pigtails, light pink lipstick and short skirt with knee-high socks, those shiny black shoes that you click together at the bus stop - hands outstretched to greet me in the morning. I imagine this as he tells us to reflect on a happy place, a happy time in which we felt the most relaxed and content and all I can think is you. I think about you holding my hand, small fingers twisted round mine, walking together into that empty carpark, yellow light being the only thing allowing us to see. We lay on the flo...

Insight eightyfive  Trigger warning - swearing, and a lot of it  Fuck. I’m so fucked. It’s so fucked. Inside i feel like a million things are banging against my head and i cant think straight. I love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate... everything is a cycle. Whirling in my mind, 24/7. It’s all sinking. Like in the sea. Drowning. Slowly feeling the water fill my lungs, not being able to scream. It’s how i feel. “it feels like im watching myself drowning. as if i am staring at a moving picture of a girl slowly dying within cold, dark waters - as if i am watching a nightmare unfold in front of me. a nightmare that, however, sends sweet relief through my veins. i am watching myself, a third person view of the water slowly filling up my lungs, making me choke in desperation. my arms attempting to push against the strong current but not being enough to get my head above the waves. for a short while i could breath, lips gulping the air from above, but slowly as time passed, i...

insight eightyfour  f riday 4th january i arrived mid-morning wearing a thin pink jumper, pale jeans and my favourite black vans. his nan opened the door, welcomed me in and talked to me for a short while before i went to find him with my bag in hand and smile blushing into my cheeks. i hug him and kiss his soft lips, i have been waiting for this for too long. his long sleeve shirt pulls tight around his arms as a squeeze them, admiring all of him piece by piece. we sit for a while before i put on some make up, trying to hide the unslept eyes and blemishes that pretty much cover my entire face. we get ready to leave for a fun day ahead, i am happy, so happy i could explode, he's here with me and i-am-happy. i smile at him in the mirror, he hugs around my waist and kisses my cheek - i really do love him. arriving at Pizza Hut i glance over at him, slightly nervous to have a meal with his grandparents. we sit and eat, talking about family and him and everything in between, i fe...

Insight fiftynine i love nature, the feel on sand between my finger tips, cold water around my feet, mud on my clothing. the sweet smells, soft sounds and roaring features of pure beauty. i love the evenings in which i spend laying sleepless in bed, warm blanket around my bare shoulders, ears pricking at the wind ruffling the trees leaving as the rain hammers down under my window ledge. watching the rain race down my window, the scattered lights bouncing, waving back and forth as the whistles rush throught the slight crack in the window. the perfect scenery on the sea, with salty air and blurting birds wisping in the sky, the clouds dacning around the golden sun. if only i could run, far away from home and go the places i feel most at home. no phone, no friends, no one but me and nature, arm in arm as we walk around the country, seeing the places only photograpths have shown. just nature. it makes everything seen at peace, in balance, every opposing each other but at the same time co...