Who I am.

insight fiftyeight i haven't written, nor thought about doing so, in a month. i can't say i'm sorry because i'm not, time away isn't always easy but my minds been too full to fathom words on a page, or a screen. my hands shake like an alcoholic yet my alcohol is liquid nerves, worries and unslept nights. my eyes tired, stained black with attempts of beauty that try to hide the layers of sleep deprivation burrowing into my grey skin. my nails bitten within anxious episodes when at school, home or anywhere that caused internal terror in my brain. mind flickers from thought to thought, clockwork timing to circle round and round that same point, the same pin the works that stops me from achieving the full happiness i should feel for upcoming events, and past celebrations. tick tock. tick tock. the thought jitter, mixing into one pile of letter, numbers, like binary code but making no sense. blind to the plain sight of pain inflicted within, the silent torment stopping...

insight fiftyseven throughout my life i have kept many diaries, and after reading my most recent one, i want to punch my past self square in the face. after doing so my hand hurts, but i thought to make my life into a sort of poem. here is 509 days of my life - April 11th 2016 to September 1st 2017. 43977600 seconds, 732960 minutes, 12216 hours or 72.71 weeks of my life given to you in single sentence insights. a journal, not a diary because it sounds too childish today was actually a fairly good day finally on track to being 100% happy he said he felt worthless but i made it better today was utterly shit, low emotion but smiling. cba to talk sorry i didn't see him, i miss him i haven't smiled this much in a while he actually loves me, for me friends are just okay so much drama going on i slapped someone for a fiver i want to be Margo from paper towns i forgot to write, sorry i guess math - boring, tech - boring, French - boring does he actually love me? i...

insight fiftysix they say it get better when you tell your parents about your mental health. a few days of realisation then a long road to being "normal". but with mine, it hasn't been like that. nothing like that at all. i am victimised and bullied by my own mother and stepfather, snarled at with snide comments and shouted at for just being a little sad. when simple things become a tiresome chore of social interaction with distant people that should hold you and tell you its going to be okay, but don't. your close bond with mother and daughter makes me envious, a laugh a hug a helping hand, nothing that i can get since i shouted the truth to her face i don't want to be here anymore you think im lying? that there's nothing wrong? that this is all for attention? why would i be sat by my bedroom door, sit from eating half my dinner before you verbally harass me with comments of invasion, wanting to know every small detail of my conversations with a friend. w...

insight fiftyfive For 5 days of this week I travelled around Iceland, exploring and conquering fears whilst admiring the picturesque scenery. I also kept a diary and here it is... day one - 16.10.17 8am and the coach is packed, music blares from tangled headphones and happy children excite over the upcoming "fieldtrip" to the small cold country of Iceland. not caring about the lengthy travel ahead, she and i sang a duet from High School musical and consumed sugary delights to the point of a dancing high. Airport looming over head, the constant chatter and security guards made the mood less enjoyable. seated on the plane with a chicken wrap and coffee in hand, the houses disappeared into a satisfying cloudy mess that rose above any problems left behind. storm brewing behind, other flights are cancelled to areas affected, luckily we flew right into the cold winds of Iceland without any issues expect only finding the colouring books 10 minutes before landing. after a tire...

insight fiftyfour what are we? a mishap of love the left over feeling from before the conversations with blunt ends a sweet smile for sadness funny jokes yet i didn't laugh nice compliments yet you didn't smile yet i didn't smile 👻

insight fiftythree there's a lot of things going on right now. in my head i mean. my life isn't a lot of things, very slow motion rain and black a white music. ... let me set the scene... a candle flickers beside me, close enough so i can feel the heat but not burning my hair black. music rings through my headphones, Supermarket flowers singing my emotions in a comforting sort of way. my phone to the right of my laptop flashes with a notification from a heart breaker, whom for some reason wants to communicate with me. to my left is the rain, trickling slowly down my window, blurring the clouds and bricks together, a typical English autumn day. I've been watching this series, Doctor Foster on BBC. the final episode touched my heart, in a eye opening way. the parents of a young boy, Tom, were fighting and he went through an emotional turmoil of negative feelings. they didn't notice. but i did. i know it's all made up, but i noticed. the pale skin, the sleepless ...

insight fiftytwo                    enjoy a lil' memo i wrote whilst mid-breakdown own habits tapping me insane a prisoner within my own self my past guarding it shut inside tears slide for the torture of my own problems, failures, illness understanding? no i escape to any world with the boy who i love? cuddles with laughter, love? when sat on my sheets arm around waist though my tears slide he says hey, it'll be okay then he fades away and it's dark whilst im still sat on my sheets hey, it'll be okay voice cracking through lie hey, it'll be just fine i promise i'll be here for you he said but then he left phaha i dunno also, i got some of these blogs on a website thing... pretty cool... here they are... https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/effects-of-grief/ https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/a-toxic-relationship/ https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/feeling-empty-an-empty-poem/ https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/at-the-worst/ 👎 ...