Who I am.

insight fiftyfive For 5 days of this week I travelled around Iceland, exploring and conquering fears whilst admiring the picturesque scenery. I also kept a diary and here it is... day one - 16.10.17 8am and the coach is packed, music blares from tangled headphones and happy children excite over the upcoming "fieldtrip" to the small cold country of Iceland. not caring about the lengthy travel ahead, she and i sang a duet from High School musical and consumed sugary delights to the point of a dancing high. Airport looming over head, the constant chatter and security guards made the mood less enjoyable. seated on the plane with a chicken wrap and coffee in hand, the houses disappeared into a satisfying cloudy mess that rose above any problems left behind. storm brewing behind, other flights are cancelled to areas affected, luckily we flew right into the cold winds of Iceland without any issues expect only finding the colouring books 10 minutes before landing. after a tire...

insight fiftyfour what are we? a mishap of love the left over feeling from before the conversations with blunt ends a sweet smile for sadness funny jokes yet i didn't laugh nice compliments yet you didn't smile yet i didn't smile 👻

insight fiftythree there's a lot of things going on right now. in my head i mean. my life isn't a lot of things, very slow motion rain and black a white music. ... let me set the scene... a candle flickers beside me, close enough so i can feel the heat but not burning my hair black. music rings through my headphones, Supermarket flowers singing my emotions in a comforting sort of way. my phone to the right of my laptop flashes with a notification from a heart breaker, whom for some reason wants to communicate with me. to my left is the rain, trickling slowly down my window, blurring the clouds and bricks together, a typical English autumn day. I've been watching this series, Doctor Foster on BBC. the final episode touched my heart, in a eye opening way. the parents of a young boy, Tom, were fighting and he went through an emotional turmoil of negative feelings. they didn't notice. but i did. i know it's all made up, but i noticed. the pale skin, the sleepless ...

insight fiftytwo                    enjoy a lil' memo i wrote whilst mid-breakdown own habits tapping me insane a prisoner within my own self my past guarding it shut inside tears slide for the torture of my own problems, failures, illness understanding? no i escape to any world with the boy who i love? cuddles with laughter, love? when sat on my sheets arm around waist though my tears slide he says hey, it'll be okay then he fades away and it's dark whilst im still sat on my sheets hey, it'll be okay voice cracking through lie hey, it'll be just fine i promise i'll be here for you he said but then he left phaha i dunno also, i got some of these blogs on a website thing... pretty cool... here they are... https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/effects-of-grief/ https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/a-toxic-relationship/ https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/feeling-empty-an-empty-poem/ https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/at-the-worst/ 👎 ...

insight fiftyone i guess I just give in so many numb thoughts that day dream reality waving for attention for actions when in maths whilst numbers bore me but all I have to write is lines. smiling for the mother knowing I'm not who I am yet smiling for the daughter who zone's out to song which you don't listen close to zones out whilst singing those lines. straight into bed 9:27 when eyes drop low yet flicker open to the sound of rain flicker to watch the droplets race weaving to create the window lines. sickening feeling in stomach just a shiny thing placed in a shaking hand in which she wishes relief when carved words become tears but remembering doesn't help and relief doesn't come not like before before she started the lines. 🔇

insight fifty 2nd holiday... same old camera... daily writing... whilst in Gisburn, West Yorkshire... 28th August 2017 the art of a new day dawns pink wakening sun blue surprises spread within cloud grey headphones blast calm red top hanging down black thoughts settling in (well that was shit... shitty day) 29th August 2017 tomorrow i recognise every detail details one wants never showing all details details everyone always disguises (ooh secret message... ooh bad day) 30 th August 2017 crisp white sheets twisted round tired eyes squinting in the peeking sun from curtains closed flat white duvet welcomes and fluffy socks warm whilst howls hoot in trees (sleepy day...) 31 th August 2017 separated by emotion or by mental happiness it could be stability divide by a smile or a pair of tired eyes unfair rules without trust unfair happiness throughout the mind (more arguments... fuck sake) 1st...

insight fortynine 9:12am today is the day the day i make myself proud the day i do something that will change a lot of things for the better... maybe 1:03pm an hour until i have to go until i have to lie until i have to walk until i face my anxious fears 2:06pm out the door with music loud forest muddy but warm air circles under the road, over the bridge past the pub and the noisy bikers and still i shake like a maraca 2:38pm with a shaky voice and nervous leg twitch i sit on the surprising comfy seats staring out the window at the corner indian opposite Africa by Toto plays on the radio a comfort reminding of my dad's terrible singing 2:42pm old people sat in the front one chewing on a humbug i wonder why do elders obsess over mints when my game of colour switch gets boring 2:45pm cute boy walks in ripped black jeans and cheeky smile he sits in front of me on the back row seats glancing back at me as i stare ou...