who i am.

insight eightysix  Side note – i went to a zoo workshop to learn about phobias, specifically animal based ones. We were shown different ways of treating them, including hypnosis. You are my happy place. Arms outstretched, cold fingertips touching mine as you draw me into the light, stepping down the marble stairs one at a time; hypnosis and relaxation sending me to oblivion and seeing you there, my happy place as he called it. With closed eyes, I imagine your blonde fringe and pigtails, light pink lipstick and short skirt with knee-high socks, those shiny black shoes that you click together at the bus stop - hands outstretched to greet me in the morning. I imagine this as he tells us to reflect on a happy place, a happy time in which we felt the most relaxed and content and all I can think is you. I think about you holding my hand, small fingers twisted round mine, walking together into that empty carpark, yellow light being the only thing allowing us to see. We lay on the flo...

Insight eightyfive  Trigger warning - swearing, and a lot of it  Fuck. I’m so fucked. It’s so fucked. Inside i feel like a million things are banging against my head and i cant think straight. I love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate... everything is a cycle. Whirling in my mind, 24/7. It’s all sinking. Like in the sea. Drowning. Slowly feeling the water fill my lungs, not being able to scream. It’s how i feel. “it feels like im watching myself drowning. as if i am staring at a moving picture of a girl slowly dying within cold, dark waters - as if i am watching a nightmare unfold in front of me. a nightmare that, however, sends sweet relief through my veins. i am watching myself, a third person view of the water slowly filling up my lungs, making me choke in desperation. my arms attempting to push against the strong current but not being enough to get my head above the waves. for a short while i could breath, lips gulping the air from above, but slowly as time passed, ...