who i am.

insight fortyfour rain trickles down the blotched white roof of the conservatory and the loud taps echo through my left ear. music blasting through a single headphone in the other, that specific scent rolls through my open window and surrounds me as I dangle my bare legs over the frame. the sheer sound and tranquillity that comes from 3 am rain calms my faded soul and clears my mind of everything cluttered. clouds float over the trees as I wait in anticipation for the sunrise, phone balanced on lap listening to music. danger strikes through me as my mind flickers to the untimely death of the ifs and buts in the event of falling however I relax myself by staring out the blurry glass, simply watching the water droplets race to the bottom. at times like these i thank my sleep problems for keeping me up at the lonely hours, for helping my eyes strain at a laptop screen to type these very words whilst everyone else is taken away to the land of steady breathing and ...

insight fortythree it's just a like, just a double tap on a pretty girl. if that's all it is, why do I care so much? why do I tear out my mind and flash back to the time you brushed my hair in the mirror, smiling when I blushed? why do I see us sitting laughing in the conservatory, you clinging to my arm in a side on hug? why do I feel a pinch of pain when I pass you in the corridor and you act like I'm just another stranger? why do I smile when you laugh or smile, when your name pops up on my phone just for "streaks"? why do I feel like i do e why do i even try to make conversation and be nice when I know you hate my existence? well, I guess I don't blame you. I can't delete the photos. I can't erase the memories. I can't fade the love inside of me that makes me sob silently in bed over someone who probably never liked me. I can't not love that smile, or that laugh. I can't miss you in the crowd because I can always recogn...

insight fortytwo i laugh loudly with dead set eyes, thinking about something of the opposite emotion in which i seem. smiling at the boy i drift from, the walks out the room just like we never spoke like we did, like we may have done for more than the time before you cut yourself from me. the silence never came yet i felt so alone, holding your arm down the crowded corridor, im guessing my anxious flare got the better of me without you noticing. he sits in front of my table, tilting his head around whilst smiling, knowing i was looking at that gorgeous grin i hadn't seen in over a week. i was doing so well at not loving you, now look what a mess you've made. since the start of last period, no work had been done and constant giggles were exchanged over some lovers we have deep in our thoughts, yours amazingly perfect and mine sinking me slowly like a broken boat. maybe being at home may cheer me up, music blasting or a Netflix show in bed making me feel comfortable, safe and t...