who i am.

insight six  it's late at night. 1 am to be precise. everyone is sleeping, everything is quiet. it feels eerie and unnatural. but then again, it is the early night of a new day. 1:02 thinking of you 1:03 I miss you 1:04 I want you 1:05 I love you 1:06 thinking of love 1:07 hating it too 1:08...  too tired to open my eyes, but my brains awake with you. thoughts run in my mind, not telling me sleep. keeping me from thinking of anything else. needing your embrace due to a broken heater. needing that comfort I desire most late at night. nights like these where I need your calm words. loving voice and warm hands. feeling sick with the fact I haven't eaten. feeling lonely with the fact that you aren't here beside me. with your brown floppy hair and your dusky brown eyes. with your cheesy smile and contagious laugh. I'm lonely without the love I don't know how to feel. lonely without the trust I don't rely on. lonely without the lover in my life that keeps me...

insight five  Isolated rain waters the horizon, as I jog through the woods behind my home. With dug out badger bungalows and lifted roots of willow trees, the forest made a peaceful motherland for all that lived. I slow down my pace when I reach the brown pipe, a long wide tube that can be balanced upon only by the most skilled of beings. Let it be said that I am not talented nor a professional gymnast but somehow I manage to remain upon it. Levelling my arms with my shoulders, I place one foot at a slight angle in front of the other, tracing my movements down the pole. Nearing the end of my performance, I leap into the air and travel a distance only applauded by a single squirrel in the nearby oak tree. Oblivious to the passing of time, I detect a small tear journey down my face, but it’s not me who is melancholy. Tilting my head towards the skies, I feel more droplets dance upon my cheeks. To avoid being showered from head to toe, I dash through the trees to search fo...

insight four  Waking up to my alarm screaming, i stumble over to my desk and attempt to open my blind eyes. Stretching off the night, i listen to the silence... no children or parents yelling... Seeming too perfect to be my life, i wander into to each room of the house. No one. Am i dreaming? I dress in jeans and an average top, still unsure of this day. I check my hair, eyes and birth marks to make sure im still me. Grabbing some breakfast of pancakes with banana and maple syrup, i sit down to take in the happy silence that hugs me. Climbing the stairs into my room, my bed is made even though im all alone. Someone's here? I check each room carefully, making sure the imposter isn't hiding. Breathing a sigh of a relief, i put my vinyl player on and hum the rhythm of my favourite song. A small smile grew across my face as I looked out my bedroom window, gazing onto the orange and red flames of the sunrise. Silently, wind blew through the forest beyond, causing ...

insight three  januarys nearly over and i've done nothing... - - - - Smiling at the golden sun beams that disperse over the gloomy village, i grab my shoes and run out the door, excited to enjoy a warm mornings stroll to the forests. Through the branches and tangled grass i see the oak tree, a tall climbable creature. The vast trunk carved in by lovers marking their unpromising future. Suicidal leaves depart from their friends, wanting a life along the soft uneven floor. Thoughts of family gatherings cluster in my mind, red checked blanket and baskets of sandwiches, the memories made here were the happiest my mind can produce. that's all i can manage for now... 👽

insight two         lets be creative... Icy air hits my lungs as i step inside my room, lit only by the sinking sun upon the horizon. With tired eyes and weary limbs, i lie on my bed, staring at the plain ceiling for what feels like hours until i hear the birds screaming outside. Another fight between the robin and sparrow keeps me entertained for a few minutes, but all i can think about is sleep. Needing to cleanse my skin, i stare in the mirror at myself, the rough uniform covered in stains of who knows what. Taking off my tie, i gently place on my desk, as if it was important. Tingling sensations run down my spine as i stand in my underwear, facing the mirror, in the frosty cold, wondering who would ever love... this. Opening and closing my eyes as if to awake from a nightmare, i inhale a universe of air and exhale it deeply. Carefully i remove my bra and underwear, sighing at my stretch marks, thinking about how i hate my chest. Untangling my ha...

insight one  you know what, love is horrible. loving someone, giving them your heart and then have them rip it up and betray you like you were nothing. leaving you and them to suffer. or just you. bad relationships are toxic. keeping you in only to be hurt and made cry. so addicted to your lover that you cant see how poisonous they are. that is the worst type of love. the love that traps you, that suffocates you with lies. the love that keeps you wrapped up in untrue thoughts. the love that blinds you from how nasty the other person is, and makes you believe that they are 'the one'. its the worst. being in an unhealthy relationship. its depressing. it puts you in a position where you have to change. break their heart to save your own. but the hurt still carries with you, the cheating pain that dissolves your faith in romance for months on end. the lack of desire in your heart crushes any chance of you believing someone when they say 'i love you'. destroys any trust...